Been in some confusion...

Well, instead of being lazy and reposting from my OD, I will actually write an original entry here. Why not? I haven't written in here in about two weeks or so, so I figured I should. Well, this weekend I will try and see if that girl Allen is available to go to that Live 105's Not So Silent Night show with me. I am not putting too much stock in this one, but I just have to know if she is single or not. She is too cute not to at least ask out. Well, we shall see how it goes this weekend...that's it for now...
-Rex

Disarray (Repost from OD)

Originally posted circa 2009

As most people who read this diary on a regular basis know, I've always seemed to have my life in disarray...I've always felt like my life is not in harmony. There is always something that's bothering me. It's always something, money, lack of a love life, not being a totally independent adult, being a wallflower, trying to go to school. I've never totally felt comfortable with my life. I'll admit that right now.

The thing is though, I don't even know what keeps holding me back from really having a totally harmonious life. Even if I did try and fix one or two of the things, I still would feel discomfort from somewhere. I think my whole life I've been like that. I've never, ever really felt comfortable with mostly everything. There are few things I've truly felt comfort with in my life. When my niece Hanako was born, I felt total comfort with that. Every time she is here in Fremont visiting with my sister, she always brings me a lot of joy that many other things do not. My nephew, Hans, has brought me a sense of joy to my life as well. But that joy has always stemmed from my close relationship with my sister.

For pretty much all my young(er) life (grade school, junior high and high school), I was always really close with my sister. In fact, I still am very close to my sister, regardless of her not living here in California and her having kids. I think my relationship with my sister has grown a lot more since she got out of this house. She was always the first person I told about pretty everything, and she still is the first person to know almost all aspects of my life.(that is until I started writing here in this diary.). I told her first about Katie and Christine in high school, she was the very first person to know that I was going to join the Navy. She was the first person I talked to about Lynn (the stoner girl in my Psychology class I had a crush on), and she'll be the first person to know (aside from you guys my readers) about that girl Allen. And whenever I decide to get married, she is definitely the first person I would tell (which, FYI is NOT going to happen anytime soon). So well, as you can tell, she is the person I am closest to in my life, and probably the person I will be closest to for a long time. I don't see that changing anytime soon.

As far as the other (and only other) aspects of my life I feel comfortable with, is well my music and poetry. There are not many other things that I feel I have any comfort with. They are the two things that I can say make me feel better. The music I have is all over the place stylistically and usually inspires me to write my poetry sometimes. In fact I've barely written any of my poems until I've been sitting listening to my music. Also is the fact that I have felt for a long time that my later adult life will have something to do with music. Maybe I'll be a DJ, maybe a producer, maybe I'll be in a band, who knows. I just have a feeling it will end up being something with music. Not to say I still don't want to go to school, I just felt like that view of me is so archaic and outdated. I don't know if going to school will make me feel better about myself (more), I do know that it will make me feel better in regard to being around my relatives. The only thing really that has been a bit of a comfort around my relatives is my military service. I felt proud to graduate high school, but I didn't feel as much pride as I did when I graduated from boot camp. That is really the only time where I felt like my life had some type of real meaning to it. Everything else always seems so forced. Everything else except for the music, my poetry and my sister(and her kids), and of course my friends, just seems like I just try to feign interest in. And that is the one thing that I really, really hate about my life right now. That I always have to fake interest in things that my parents tell me I have to care about (or anyone else for that matter.). I guess I'm just selfish like that.

Well, I really don't know if this random ramble really makes any sense at all, I was just writing off the cuff like I usually do...take care...

Song: Something's Always Wrong - Toad The Wet Sprocket

Signed up for school

Well, after many agonizing weeks of thinking, I finally decided to go to University of Phoenix. The good thing is they didn't pressure me to get stupid loans, especially since I have the GI Bill. Well, that's all I have for now...
-Rex

Last Day Here....

Well, for the last 13 days or so, I've been in Williamsburg, VA (a small city about an hour or so from Norfolk, VA.) for my two week annual training(AT) for my Navy Reserve unit. It was cool, (actually a bit humid) mostly because it allowed to hang out with some of the guys from my reserve unit that I don't really get to see all that often outside of the regular drill weekends. So that was cool. I will say this though, that one girl that I like in my company (Julie), I would never be able to hang out with her normally. I mean she is pretty cool, but I think her personality would not really mesh too well with me as far as a non-friendly(read: romantic) relationship is concerned. I found out she is an only child, so she has a pretty strong, go-getting personality. It's not that I don't get along with her, I just think that our personalities would butt heads too much because I am not one to take the initiative all the time...which doesn't really matter too much anyway, because she does have a boyfriend...And the only reason I mentioned it is because I happen to be attracted to her. Well, that's all for now...
-Rex

Projekt Revolution...

Well, I forgot to mention something...I went to the SF Bay Area stop of Linkin Park's Projekt Revolution tour. And for the first time in a long time, I actually went with somebody. I went with my 13 year old cousin DJ. So I had a lot more fun than usual. I will say that most of the bands stunk badly. The festival stage was just horrid. I liked a little of Saosin and The Bled, but other then them, everyone else just was shit. Mindless Self Indulgence was one of the worst. I can't believe they got picked to headline the festival stage. They sounded like a bad combo of System Of A Down, Depeche Mode, and Marilyn Manson rolled up into one putrid, horrid concoction. I only like one song from them, and it's a cover song from the Wu Tang Clan called Bring The Pain, unfortunately I suffered through their entire set and they didn't even play it. I mean c'mon, even the crowd was chanting for it, and they didn't oblige them...so yeah, everyone was boring, and sucky except for the last three main stage acts, Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance, and of course Linkin Park.

I'm sorry but I'm going to have to knock Him because I just thought they were boring and lacked a lot of energy. (which is how they sounded like the last time I saw them at Live 105's BFD last year). I still don't get the whole thing with Him. And as legendary as Placebo is, they just were booooring. Julien-K, the main stage opener was another horrible Depeche Mode rip off band and they just were terrible...sound like shit...very bland stage presence.

Thankfully after all the disasters of everyone else, Taking Back Sunday came and washed the bad taste out of my mouth. They played all of the hits I like...and I just love all the screamo bands because they just bring the thunder on stage...My Chemical Romance was awesome, with lots and lots of pyro...and Linkin Park totally ripped it up. I've always admired LP's great stage presence. Not the greatest musicians, and Chester isn't the best singer in the world, but man, they can rip up the stage...Well, that's all for now...
-Rex

That's it I quit!

Well, after about a month of debating about wanting to quit at Target, I finally put in my two weeks yesterday. I feel better now that I don't have that hanging over my head anymore...well...that's all I have for now...
-Rex

Filling up empty spaces...

I just realized something. Most of the things in my life are just temporary patches for all the emptiness in my life...the concerts, the video games, the parties, the occasional drinking...everything like that...is just a temporary fix for a bigger problem...I'm at the point in my life where I don't even know what the hell that problem is though...is it that I'm lonely?...Is it that I'm depressed?...I really don't know what the problem is...