Been in some confusion...

Well, instead of being lazy and reposting from my OD, I will actually write an original entry here. Why not? I haven't written in here in about two weeks or so, so I figured I should. Well, this weekend I will try and see if that girl Allen is available to go to that Live 105's Not So Silent Night show with me. I am not putting too much stock in this one, but I just have to know if she is single or not. She is too cute not to at least ask out. Well, we shall see how it goes this weekend...that's it for now...
-Rex

Disarray (Repost from OD)

Originally posted circa 2009

As most people who read this diary on a regular basis know, I've always seemed to have my life in disarray...I've always felt like my life is not in harmony. There is always something that's bothering me. It's always something, money, lack of a love life, not being a totally independent adult, being a wallflower, trying to go to school. I've never totally felt comfortable with my life. I'll admit that right now.

The thing is though, I don't even know what keeps holding me back from really having a totally harmonious life. Even if I did try and fix one or two of the things, I still would feel discomfort from somewhere. I think my whole life I've been like that. I've never, ever really felt comfortable with mostly everything. There are few things I've truly felt comfort with in my life. When my niece Hanako was born, I felt total comfort with that. Every time she is here in Fremont visiting with my sister, she always brings me a lot of joy that many other things do not. My nephew, Hans, has brought me a sense of joy to my life as well. But that joy has always stemmed from my close relationship with my sister.

For pretty much all my young(er) life (grade school, junior high and high school), I was always really close with my sister. In fact, I still am very close to my sister, regardless of her not living here in California and her having kids. I think my relationship with my sister has grown a lot more since she got out of this house. She was always the first person I told about pretty everything, and she still is the first person to know almost all aspects of my life.(that is until I started writing here in this diary.). I told her first about Katie and Christine in high school, she was the very first person to know that I was going to join the Navy. She was the first person I talked to about Lynn (the stoner girl in my Psychology class I had a crush on), and she'll be the first person to know (aside from you guys my readers) about that girl Allen. And whenever I decide to get married, she is definitely the first person I would tell (which, FYI is NOT going to happen anytime soon). So well, as you can tell, she is the person I am closest to in my life, and probably the person I will be closest to for a long time. I don't see that changing anytime soon.

As far as the other (and only other) aspects of my life I feel comfortable with, is well my music and poetry. There are not many other things that I feel I have any comfort with. They are the two things that I can say make me feel better. The music I have is all over the place stylistically and usually inspires me to write my poetry sometimes. In fact I've barely written any of my poems until I've been sitting listening to my music. Also is the fact that I have felt for a long time that my later adult life will have something to do with music. Maybe I'll be a DJ, maybe a producer, maybe I'll be in a band, who knows. I just have a feeling it will end up being something with music. Not to say I still don't want to go to school, I just felt like that view of me is so archaic and outdated. I don't know if going to school will make me feel better about myself (more), I do know that it will make me feel better in regard to being around my relatives. The only thing really that has been a bit of a comfort around my relatives is my military service. I felt proud to graduate high school, but I didn't feel as much pride as I did when I graduated from boot camp. That is really the only time where I felt like my life had some type of real meaning to it. Everything else always seems so forced. Everything else except for the music, my poetry and my sister(and her kids), and of course my friends, just seems like I just try to feign interest in. And that is the one thing that I really, really hate about my life right now. That I always have to fake interest in things that my parents tell me I have to care about (or anyone else for that matter.). I guess I'm just selfish like that.

Well, I really don't know if this random ramble really makes any sense at all, I was just writing off the cuff like I usually do...take care...

Song: Something's Always Wrong - Toad The Wet Sprocket